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Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that good manners is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve faced very little self-assurance. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my personal and work life. It irritates my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as leading sessions and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that professional help might support me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A counselor might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once helped us become harmful in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or exposure, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This process will take time, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.